Saturday, October 21, 2006

All Cried Out

The worst part is that I still love him.

I hate him for this heartache. I want to scream obscenities at him. I want to hate him, because that would be easier than loving him and not being allowed to have him again. I am forever more held at arms length from him. By him. He wants nothing to do with me – romantically – for the rest of our lives. I don't know what happened to get us to this place. All I do know is that I'm hurting; bad.

Most nights are the same. I come to bed with Sweetpea around 7:30 or 8pm and by 9pm I'm asleep, overcome with exhaustion from carry the stone that used to be my heart around all day. Then I wake up around 2am and I cant sleep for the rest of the night. I could probably crash around 6am, but seeing Sweetpea wakes up at 7-ish, there is no point to lying down and sleeping. I miss out on all the good TV time and then there is nothing but infomercials and a weather map signal on and I get frustrated with myself. If I could watch interesting TV my mind wouldn’t continually watch, rewind and watch again the last moments we had as a couple in love saying goodbye in the airport those many months ago. I wish I could erase them from my memory. But I cant.

I remember having a meal together and sitting in a quiet corner, just trying to soak in the last hours together before I went on holiday for four months. I remember taking a stack of photos of Game Boy and Sweetpea together because I thought it was important for her to have pictures to look at. I didn’t take photos of us because we would still talk on the telephone, and it was only four months. We could still communicate, we wouldn’t loose contact, so there was no need to have stacks of ‘us’ pictures. God how I regret that mode of thinking now.

I love him. And my heart is shattered. Even typing this, tears are streaming down my face and I have to remember to not wail in grief. I cant even whimper because it will wake up that precious girl who sleeps next to me in bed. Today when I was crying, she was patting my face, and the look of concern broke my heart anew. I want to go home. And he is home. He always was for me. I felt safe with him, I thought I would be home with him forever. And now I'm homeless, in every sense of the word.

How am I ever going to get past this pain? When will I get to the place of acceptance? When am I going to get through the night without crying? And will I ever stop asking myself ‘why?’ Is he hurting as badly as I am? Or is he over me? Has his heart moved on and he is looking to the future with hope and excitement? Does he walk around the apartment that I created in love for him and feel nothing? I wanted to create an apartment that looked as wonderful as I felt basking in his (I thought unending) unconditional love. I wanted it to be a visual representation of what I felt inside, because I felt so complete, which is the complete opposite of what I am now. Now I feel nothing but pain.

I don't ask him to take me back. I've begged him so many times and he doesn’t budge from his decision. I have told him that he has made a huge mistake in breaking up our marriage. I would still go to marriage counselling with him and try to work this out – if he would but ask. But I know he wont. The man I fell in love with would have tried everything to get the marriage back on track. The man I talk to on the weekends isn’t the same person. I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss holding his hand on a cold winters day. I miss going to the movies and talking over the plot with him as we walked home from the theatre. I miss having chocolate milkshakes from Zellers with him. I miss the happiness I felt at seeing his face when he came home from work at the end of the day. I miss his kisses and how his arms felt around me when we hugged. I wish I could say he had no idea how badly I'm hurting, and that if he knew, it would change his thinking and he would ask me to come back home immediately. But he does know, and he doesn’t.


And now I've cried so much writing this that my eyes are dry.

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